Teach me how to love...

Maybe it's a task that no one can perform

You see me complain for so many little things but you didnt see me suck it up for the worst. I guess after so many years I lost the ability to sympathize anyone, even myself.

Yesterday Papa told a story about a 80 years old woman who is still so active doing chores at temple. And then the people who saw him in VN, and how much love they shared. Papa even cried. All I could do is stay quiet and try to get my mind occupied on something.

It's not that I dont believe in love (not the relationship kind, I definitely dont belive in that), it's just that I dont think people can love that much. To me when people talk about love or express love through words, all I get is the words. I dont really feel them. I'm not saying that those people are lying. I dont know, it's a feeling deep inside of me that those things are not the ones that I am supposed to or can hold on to. Love!


My Mom once said I didnt love her enough. I was so tempted to ask her if she ever loves me, but i didnt. Maybe I didnt love her enough for real. I just dont know why I get so upset this morning when my niece says Grandma is sick again but she keeps working. Or, Grandma wants you to video chat because she misses you. I said, tell grandma she can text me and that she can work all she wants, I cant stop her. Really, I cant stop her from working and I cant video chat because I am working for a living to support myself.
I was upset because when I call home, she would rather play poker than talk, and she expects me  to be available whenever she calls. I am upset because she keeps ruining her health to work to support whoever the fuck there are and not me. No I dont ask for money. No I dont ask to call or text. I didnt ask her to love me like any other of her children, either.

This morning I also saw Papa's message on the forum. He also overworked and also got sick. And Im not upset. I was just like, wow, he's sick again and I will hoi huong. Is that because he is not my blood-related Papa? Is that because I dont love him as much as the other people love him?

I cant say that I dont have feelings because I can be pretty passionate about stuff. But when it comes to family and things that I hold dearly to my heart, I feel puzzled.

Papa told me before that it is my responsibility to love my mother, regardless of how she feels for me. I try to hold on to  that thought.

But how do I love? Teach me.