earthquake and some meditation notes

Did you feel that earthquake today? I think there was an earthquake about 5.8 degree somewhere in the East coast (D.C, NC area). But here in Michigan, a few places few the "shake", too. I talked to some people @ work and they all told me they didnt feel anything (and of course gave me that crazy look), but I really did feel it.

I was meditating @ the time and the my mattress just "moved". It felt like you were on a hammock or something. But at the time there was also a car going by. At first I though "did I achieved something?" but very soon I came back to reality and thought that it was just a semi truck going by. I didnt freak out or anything. But a few minutes later I got up, went on Facebook, and realized that it must be a very mild quake here because a friend in DC said things fell off her dresser. I called Papa, of course, to gossip about it. Papa said the dragons are going crazy and the angels are too busy finding them that they forgot about their monthly "phong' quang". Crazy!

Anyways, I should focus on writing down my feeling on "ta^.p" today.

So, yesterday I called Papa and complained to him about my weird headache. I  have always had headaches so I can really pint point the cause. For example sometimes my eyes will hurt and it cause a head ache, which will be different from a headache caused by sleeping on a too firm or too soft pillow. Yeah, I'm just very, extremely, sensitive like that. Anyways, this time my headache happens because of my meditating.
For the last couple of weeks school has been crazy. I mean, I am a full time student and my classes are 8 and 11 week. That means I have a quiz every class, and an exam every other class. On top of that, one of my professor is very demanding (as well as a jerk) and gave out tons of work for a class that is not supposed to be "core". Anyways, I have been trying to get a good grade, and working part time does not help. For several days I spent about 12~14 hours at school. Dont even think about meditate. So when I find some spare time to practice, my ajna would start to ache. I can feel pressure and blood flowing to that one spot at the middle of my forehead. It feels like the surface could be cracking. So I had to stop. Or course Papa also told me to take a break. I cant expect to work full force and meditate. After all, I am still a beginner.

Anyways, I try not to think  too much about practicing. Even though when I see someone makes progress, I feel that voice in the back of my head telling me that I am still freaking no where (of course Papa always says "no no no you cant be no where, you are awesome" (or something like that) [on a side note: last week I told him that I am do*? - very bad at meditating, and he asked who dared saying that. I  told him I said that and he said "oh, it's okay if you say that. But it's not okay if someone tell you that". He just cracks me up. ]
Ok, back to meditating.
So I try to get more sleep and be easier on myself. Just letting myself relax, that's it. But this afternoon I felt that I had enough rest and was ready to do some "light" practice, maybe just a test run.
I didnt try very hard, maybe 20~30% of my power. I would imagine my kasina and try not to control it too much. I discovered something.
I remember Papa told me before that I am too anxious. He told me I should be calmer, because every time I would be too forceful and freak out so my kasina would never show up. Of course at that time I didnt understand him. This afternoon, I didnt really make it a point to have the kasina shows up, I just wanted to try. But I got to feel myself. I noticed that every time when I see a faint shadow of my kasina, my whole body would get so tense. Maybe it's like you see someone so beautiful for the first time and didnt know what to do or say. I had to  tell myself to relax. I keep saying: "You have seen this before, you will be alright". I could feel that my body was frightened while my brain was acting very calmly. It's complicated and contradicting at the same time, but that was how I felt.
I think I somewhat figure out the problem, so I will be able to find out how  to move on. But of course I still have to finish this damn semester first before  I can focus on meditating.

I just cant wait to make a dramatic progress. I know, and I have been  telling myself, this is not a race. I am not competeting with other people. Yes, I would like to be "very good", or "the best". Yes, the fact that someone only meditated for less than 2 years and is now a bodihsatva startled me a little bit. Who doesnt want to be good? But I just have to face it. I have my own situation and ability, and I cannot compare myself with someone who has a different background and power. Perhaps I can admire them and be inspired by them, but that is all. If I have someone to compete with, it's myself. As long as I am doing better today than yesterday, I am good. Though, I really really want to achieve something huge and make Papa proud.