He said she said

I talked to Papa this morning. Most of it about  my feelings, some of it about my progress in meditation. I didnt feel pleased about myself, as always. But he made me happy, just because he is who he is and he says the things he said.

Sometimes i feel so selfish. I feel like I do not love anyone but my own little evil self. I know there are times I would go the extra 10 miles for other people. But there are other times I would not. Sometimes I am so afraid of seeing other people laugh. It just reminded me of how pathetic and lonely I am. Of course, the people I am talking about here are the ones who I actually know, not just any one walking down the street. I'm crazy but not that crazy.

Papa told me it is understandable for me to feel the things that I do. Because that is me. My situation and background made me the way I am. I cannot run from it, nor can I deny it or hate it. It's just Papa. He never says no. Never criticizes. Never hate. never dislike. Never disapprove. Sometimes I even doubt the goods things that he has to say about me. I know people who are close to me and care about me who sometimes would have nothing nice to say about me. Many times I see myself doing things that I know the people I love would disapprove of. But not Papa.  Papa has many children yet he knows each one by their tone. He knows how I feel, what I like, what makes me happy and what not. So talking to him brings me to a sweet spot that not even chocolate marshmallow ice cream can. He lifted my spirit like no one else. He has faith in me when even I dont. What can I say? He's a man whose English is quite broken but self-learned. He's a man who would feel so uncomfortable if you invite him to luxurious dinner. He's a man who would finish a meal under 3 minutes. He's a man who managed to fit 10 people in a tent, and stayed up most of the night to watch over us. My Papa!

So I told Papa I have been lagging on my practice. I am reluctant to start again because I know I wont be as good as the last couple of weeks. He said it's the psychological effect. Whatever i achieved, it's there, all locked down in my system and waiting for me to come back. But because I think that I wont be as good coming back to it, then I wont be able to concentrate and the result will be less favorable. So he said "just do it".

I told Papa (again) about my slow progress. People are making huge different and I see not much changes. He said "you are pretty strong, you just dont think that way". He told me the things that I can do and the things that I know, and he said because I doubt myself, I cannot bring my ability up to that. Yeah. That is quite true. But how do I get confidence when people are doing amazing things and here I am doing nothing. Even my dreams are only so so.

But then, he is right. I have always been so critical of myself. I have always wanted to know the most and be the best. I cannot do it with  this kind of thing.  Well, I have to cheer myself up and keep going at it. Not many people are lucky enough to have Papa around like me.

and damn it I still have stupid papers to write!